This week’s comic is about how there are 50 days until Halloween, and yet every supermarket is already full of PUMPKIN EVERYTHING and OCTOBERFEST. The only thing they don’t seem to have out yet is apple cider, and that’s the one thing I actually want right now. And apple cider donuts. Hot ones.
I mean, some pumpkin stuff is delicious. Shipyard nailed pumpkin beer. Pumpkin pie — delicious. But 1. it’s too early. And 2. the sheer amount of pumpkin flavored items is overkill at this point.
Anyway, I actually had more ideas for this comic but not enough time to draw them all:
- Self driving pumpkin — not there yet but in 2019 they’ll be released.
- Hurricane pumpkin (too soon) — leaves pumpkin scented devastation in its wake.
- Napumpkinalene — detox from opioids through the magic of pumpkins. Chemically it does nothing for you, but what goes better with cold turkey than pumpkin?
- Pumpkin wall — illegal immigrants can stay in this country if they help build a wall made of pumpkins to keep everyone else out.
- Octoberfist (this one is R-rated) — a girl in a German waitress costume fists you while you bite down on a pumpkin
In this week’s new Dustinland comic, I pretty much say all I have to say on the matter of being skinny. I mean, of course if I had to choose I’d rather be underweight than overweight. So I’m not actually complaining about that part of it. I’m complaining about the part where people think that it’s okay to openly mock someone for being skinny, even though you would never comment on another person’s weight, height, complexion etc… Actually, I bet tall people get it as much as skinny people do. You’re so tall! How do you drive a car? Where do you find pants? Sort of the same thing. Tall people, if I ever did that to you, my bad.
This week’s comic is pretty much what the title says it is: People I see at the supermarket—in Queens NYC. I have a feeling the supermarket experience is very different in most other parts of the country. For example, you can walk down an aisle and not be completely blocked by one solitary confused dumbass and their cart. See, in NYC, space is expensive, so supermarkets have to jam everything into tiny cramped narrow aisles. And when you combine that with the lack of peripheral vision I referred to in my strip, well, lets just say you wind up retreating from 50% of the aisles.
To give you a quick behind the scenes on this strip, let me take you through the panels.
1: I really did hear people complaining about the excellent beer selection in my local supermarket. Not because they were teetotalers. They were looking for beer. There was just TOO MUCH. “Too much beer! It took me an entire 16 seconds of browsing before I found my case of Coors Light!!!” Andy Rooney would be proud.
2: I guess large assed ladies have the right to wear tights on such casual outings. It just seems… unusual that this is such a frequent sight. Maybe I’m looking too hard. I could be an ass man and not know it.
3. It’s always depressing how often a large, unhealthy and frankly dumb looking person has a cart full of processed garbage.
4. My wife said “maybe they’re stressed because they can’t read English. Think about how stressed you’d be trying to figure out diced or chopped just from the pictures.” Good point.
5. I have not given up! I still try to make it fun for my little guy at the store. But I do get it. Totally.
6. Yup. Just stand there. Don’t move. No one in here but you.
Like I said in this week’s Dustinland comic, I used to eat fast food all the time, but then I stopped because I realized it’s not good to eat chemically treated monkey meat. And oddly enough, on those rare moments when I give it little tastte just for kicks, it just doesn’t taste good anymore either. That’s the real surprise to me. I thought I would still enjoy it, but instead of a dirty little treat, it just tastes like dirty little meat (except for Popeye’s, which is greasier than an oil slick but still delicious).
In theory I miss it though. Here’s a little run down of where I used to stand:
McDOnald’s had the best fries. I think I’d give it to Burger King for the burgers. Wendy’s had a sweet dollar meal—chicken nuggers, caesar salad (with bacon bits), fries, slushy. Taco Bell and White Castle were nasty. Roy Rogers and KFC were pretty good but like I said, Popeye’s rules for fried chicken. I once ate at some place called Krystal Burger in New Orleans and it was probably my fast food low point—I have never taken a foodie photo of a dish that looked amazing, but here I did take a photo of food solely because of how disgusting it looked. I went to Arby’s once or twice and it was okay. Boston Market had some good sides. Sandwich places like Subway don’t count, although oddly enough I feel bad that Blimpie seems to have lost the battle. I definitely missed out on all the Cali chains, although I did have In-N-Out Burger twice and both times it was solid.
Moving a little away from “true” fast food, Denny’s was perfect for drunken piles of late night breakfast food. IHOP was fun for giant fluffy family breakfast pancakes and a nice choice of syrup flavors. Friendly’s had good ice cream. I guess if I’m going down this route, I might as well say that Pizzaria Uno’s was some cheesy, oily goodness. T.G.I .Friday’s always kind of sucked but I liked their appetizers. Outback Steakhouse has got to be the most expensive chain I’ve ever been to—I’ll admit, the Bloomin Onion was enjoyable. Cheesecake Factory should be banned for serving portions a horse couldn’t finish.
Oh yeah, I forgot all the pizza chains. I was a Domino’s fan—it wasn’t really pizza, but it was good. Papa John’s was gross. Pizza Hut was pretty crappy, although those mini pizzas were good drunk food. I never had Little Casears but I always liked their ads. Sbarro was the worst—like eating a napkin with cheese and sauce on it.
Man, once you start listing these things you realize just how many chains their are in the U.S. It’s pretty ridiculous—I’m sure I didn’t even crack the surface. But let me just close by saying this: If you are a tourist visiting New York City, do not eat at chain restaurants. This is your chance to not do that, so resist the call of Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. if you can.
Yes, this week’s Dustinland is based on a true story. No, I will not say where it took place—and here’s why. For one, it wasn’t their fault. The tooth was already damaged long ago, in a sense, waiting for something like this to come along and usher it to a toothy grave. And what better a way to lose a tooth than via delicious beef jerky? Certainly beats losing it on a lunchtime crouton. And two, they were super nice to us. They checked in a few times, the manager came out, they gave us free drinks, they even told us to call ahead next time we stop by. Now, of course they want to prevent themselves from being sued, or worse, reviewed on Yelp as being tooth murderers. But still, they did the right thing.
And they make some damn good jerky. And meat.
In terms of this comic about the paleo diet, you know, I mean, it could be a good thing. It could be right, it could be healthier, it could make a lot of sense. But man, as a person who has lived life and taken much joy out of eating many things, I have to draw the line somewhere. I go along with the whole Michael Pollan thing—eat food, not “food-like objects” aka processed concoctions made of chemicals in a factory. I realize eating carbs all the time may not be great for you. And I think we should all eat less meat, if only for the sake of the planet ala global warming via methane from livestock as well as deforestation. I get all that. But to only eat meat, nuts, veggies and fruits, forever? That is the strictest, least fun diet ever.
Hey, drinking isn’t good for you (well, maybe a glass of wine or so a day) and I do that from time to time. Why? Because I’m alive and it’s fun. And that’s why I eat tacos and pancakes too.