I hope child protection doesn’t come to my door for this comic. Honestly though, this isn’t really my invention. It’s a thing. There’s videos. You think you’re supposed to shush babies all quiet like they’re dainty little pixies, but really sometimes you need to shush the shit out of them.

Just the other day I learned just how successful this could be. We were driving home and got stuck in traffic. Babies love driving, but HATE stopping. So traffic lights, traffic jams, those are pretty much baby nightmares. And when you’re on the Grand Central Parkway, there’s not much you can do to soothe a crying baby in the backseat. Except shush. SHUSH like a motherfucker. Man, I shushed the shit out of this kid, literally until my throat hurt—and it worked! He calmed down after about a minute and then went to sleep after I kept going for a little longer. So there you have it. Shush like a man.


4 responses to “Shush

  1. This reminds me a bit, probably not fairly, of a Gahan Wilson cartoon for the old National Lampoon. It was one of the “Nuts” series that centers on a put-upon boy of about 9 or 10. One of the cartoons has the kid watching a baby who won’t stop crying. He finally marches into the baby’s bedroom and screams “SHUT UP!!!!” at the top of his lungs, with his mouth, in inimitable Wilson fashion, taking up three-quarters of the frame. The last panel is of the baby cowering in terror under his blankets while the kid leaves the room, thinking, “I don’t know why people make such a big deal about quieting babies. It’s a cinch.”

    As I said, it’s not really a fair comparison, so don’t get pissed at me. I just couldn’t help thinking of it.

  2. As a librarian, becoming a Dad was a cinch because of my Advanced Shushing Powers.

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