Letter: 15 and angsty

This letter dates back to when I used to do comics for the Binghamton University school newspaper — The Pipe Dream.

Dear Mr. Glick,

Hello. My name is xxxxxxx. You’ve never met me. Despite what my sister says I am 15 years old. I understand she has a bit of confusion concerning my age. I live in Putnam Lake, blah blah blah blah blah and you’ll be interested to know that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah (insert mundane info you don’t care about here). Anyway, I drew these comics. One of them (the shopping one) used to be mildly humorous, but my bitch of a science teacher tore up the original, and I wasn’t able to reproduce the funny facial expressions. Needless to say, I have made her 5th period life a living hell ever since. I worship Dustinland and show the Funpage to all my friends, they love it too. They beg me for photocopies but I refuse, it gives me a perverse sense of power. You see, I’m a bit of a weakling and a coward. I’ve found a way to deal with this, though, and I recommend it to all weaklings and cowards. Everytime a Neanderthal who lifts freight trains for fun tries to start a fight with me I merely start hitting on him. Their immense homophobia (due to repressed homosexual tendencies) is the only thing that can override their immense desire to beat the shit out of scrawny High School freshmen who dare to dislike gym class and whose fathers aren’t “vets.” My major sin seems to be that I am devoid of all desire to join the military or lift weights. I’ve tried to make this mercifully brief.

Your favorite virgin,

xxxxx

P.S. I enclosed is some $ for the Dustinland compilation I saw advertised in Pipe Dream (I extorted the money from a small child), please give it to my sister, I’ll get it next time I see her (approx. 3 years).

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