In-home Drive-by

As I say in this week’s Dustinland comic, my nearly three-year-old child openly mocks me on a daily basis. Maybe he’s still too young. Maybe it’s me. But certainly there is no part of my life that involves being a respected father figure. Loved? Yes. Exciting play companion? Correct. Funny wacky guy? Certainly. Kingly lord not to be trifled with? Never.

Pooperman

This week’s Dustinland comic was inspired by another monumental parenting moment that I realize may seem quite trivial to most people—non-parents in particular. Hence the super hero treatment. I thought that might spice things up a bit.

While all you parents are probably getting a double kick out of this comic, I think my favorite part about it is how uncomfortable panels 4 and 5 will make people. There’s just something wrong about Batman changing a grown Superman. And that reminds me, how come Spider-Man is two words with a hyphen? It really annoys me.

Poop.

Nice Fade

Man I swear I already titled a comic Nice Fade and it was about something completely different. This comic is about music—when songs fade out at the end. That other comic was about when you fade out a friend.

Now, of course I could go back and look if I used that title already, but I’m too lazy or busy or fathery. And to tell you the truth, I don’t even know if I did a comic about that friend fade subject. But if I didn’t, I should.

Anyway, I’m sure there are some musicians out there reading this who are thinking, “Yeah, please, this cartoon loser who’s never written a song in his life is telling me I suck for fading out a song.” And to that I say, “Bro, relax. It’s just a funny comic.”

Arm Hair General

As I say in this week’s Dustinland comic, I’ve recently sprouted two strange arm hairs. They are all tough and black and bristly and I don’t enjoy them. I can’t imagine what they are or what purpose they could serve. In fact, I don’t think arm hair in general can serve much of a purpose at this point. I imagine they’re some sort of leftover from an earlier point in our evolution from ape thing to man. Because they certainly aren’t keeping me any warmer when it’s 18 degrees out in New York in February.

I tried to Google my way to an explanation but couldn’t find anything. I guess it’s like that Louis CK bit where he asked the doctor why his leg hurt and the doctor said “You’re old and your leg is just shitty.” You get older, weird stuff happens. Welcome black arm hairs. Let’s hope you stay as a couple and don’t invite any friends over for a party.

Pay It Forward

As I show in this week’s Dustinland comic, kids sure have a great way of cutting you down. It’s usually comedic, but still, it can hurt. In this case, it was just a funny zinger. But if you search the Internets or simply talk to any parent, you’ll hear stories of brutal honesty that can really cut to the bone. The best I heard was this dad who posted on Reddit how his kid said something like “I think you’re not the number one dad, because you’re a good dad but there are probably better.” And that was on his birthday!

Kids.

11 Literature Classics Retitled As Linkbait

I’ve hated the Buzzfeeding of the Internet since before there was a Buzzfeed. I remember working for Cracked.com in the early days when they had first relaunched, and every time I did something for them, they came back to me and said it had to be expanded into the form of a list. This was many years ago. And I argued with them. And guess what—they were right. Lists work. People love them. LOVE them. In this A.D.D. world of infinite content, people want little tidbits of entertainment, fast and simple. And that’s what they get from Buzzfeed, Cracked, Huffpo, etc… Not to say there aren’t some well-thought out pieces of truly entertaining content on these sites. It’s just… well, it depresses me that this sort of psychological trickery is so effective. It makes it seems like humans are robots—easily hacked.

Oh but anyway, this week’s Dustinland comic is inspired by all of that. I could do it forever, honestly. It was hard to stop at 11. Maybe I’ll do a sequel if this one blows up and I get a zillion hits. Whatevs. Internets. I mean, because Internets.

Butt Why?

Oh man, my kid said “butt” so many times today. As I say in this week’s Dustinland comic, he’s reached that phase. So far he’s only one word in, and at least it’s just butt. But considering he’s not even two yet, I fear he may be on the early track to some serious four-letter words. Well, hey, there are worse things in life—and I think we all have that phase around 12 years old where cursing is cool and when no adults around we do it just to do it. Not sure where I’m going with this but…butt.